For so long I’ve been beating myself up as punishment for the mistakes I’ve done and the people I’ve hurt before. I think that even if I’ve been remorseful about it, I still don’t deserve happiness or peace. Because of it, I feel like I’ve been living with “another me” that hates and constantly abuses me. One that always reminds me of the things that haunt me. And our toxic relationship is one I can never leave.

How do I live with this “evil me”? Do I deserve peace? Can I still be a good person even if I’ve hurt a lot of people in the past?

M

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Dear M,

Thank you for writing to me. I imagine it was difficult to reach out, coming from where you are. But you did, and that’s great; now you don’t need to carry this weight all on your own.

I want you to know, in case it escapes you now, that there are many people eager to walk with you on this journey, if you ask. They care for you deeply and want nothing more than for you to feel loved, appreciated, and supported. And when I say you, I mean the whole, complex, imperfect being that is you.

One of the great privileges of my vocation is being able to see, beneath that complexity, people at their barest. In their most honest, most vulnerable moments, my counselees taught me that everybody, almost always, simply wants to do the right thing.

No matter how determined we are, however, we will not always succeed. Sometimes, we draw hasty conclusions. Sometimes we don’t know enough but need to come up with a decision. Sometimes emotions get the better of us. I could go on and on. The point is that we do make mistakes in life, because we’re only human.

No matter how determined we are, however, we will not always succeed. Sometimes, we draw hasty conclusions. Sometimes we don’t know enough but need to come up with a decision. Sometimes emotions get the better of us. I could go on and on. The point is that we do make mistakes in life, because we’re only human.

You’ve had your fair share, as you make clear. The way you wrote about them tells me they’re not small and unimportant, which is unfortunate. But what’s done is done. There is, sadly, no way to turn back time.

I was wondering if that’s the root of your frustration: a wish to change the past. If this is the case, I would urge, as I always do, to start with acceptance. We accept that things have happened not in the way we want.

This step need not preclude getting some perspective, and understanding how the situation came to be. But the critical first step, I think, is an acknowledgment that we hurt some people with our actions. Even if we had the best intentions.

From here we take the next, which I have reason to believe you’ve already tried doing: to apologize, and make amends. If they’re still in our life, we say sorry, and commit to doing better. Like they say, the best apology is changed behavior. But if we’re no longer in touch, we think long and hard about whether our message will be an unwelcome disruption. Because sometimes, things are better left unsaid.

If we do decide to reach out, there are two possible outcomes – either one out of our hands. Maybe they’ll forgive us, maybe they won’t. We come with no expectations. We focus on how you can both heal and grow.

This means that however they respond, we’ll have to forgive ourselves. We forgive ourselves and move our life forward, chasing every opportunity to be a better person. And we try to treat others the way we would have treated those we wronged, if only we got another chance.

We forgive ourselves, so as not to allow our mistakes to define us. We are so much more than our blunders. We’re also everything we’ve achieved and try to achieve, our memories, our small hopes and big dreams. We are the many kinds of person we are to the many relationships we nurture.

We forgive ourselves, so as not to allow our mistakes to define us. We are so much more than our blunders. We’re also everything we’ve achieved and try to achieve, our memories, our small hopes and big dreams. We are the many kinds of person we are to the many relationships we nurture.

And so whenever you find yourself in anguish over things you’ve done, I urge you to instead turn to your vision of who you want to be for the people you care about, and write the steps needed to make it happen. To answer your question, you can most definitely still be a good person even if you’ve hurt a lot of people. And it rests purely on choices you make from hereon.

Finally, I say we forgive ourselves, if only for the people around us, who stand to suffer if we don’t.

If we withhold forgiveness to ourselves, we will tend to see all things from the lens of our mistake, affecting – and not in a good way – all our present and future relationships. We might interpret people’s kindness as pity for our doomed selves, or unintentional unkindness as rebuke. We will hurt the people who want to care for us, because we will refuse their affection over our judgment that we are undeserving. We will especially bring pain to our loved ones who want us to be in a good place, who will move heaven and earth to make us happy.

Marilynne Robinson, as usual, had beautiful things to say on the subject. She likens grace to an ecstatic fire that takes things down to essentials, and I thought that metaphor was useful. Grace, the miracle that it is, lets us look at every person as someone just trying their best to do good. From less of a religious approach I’d say it’s about holding fast to the core of being human, fixing our attention on the lifeforce within them. How can someone be unkind to life itself?

I wish you the speediest journey to healing and peace, M. May you eventually find the grace to forgive yourself.

<3, Meg